The End of the Beginnings

A week of struggles and fights, clinging on to my belief so hard that this too, will pass. And it did. :) although there's still a short way ahead, I have strong faith that my Almighty Goddess will get me through it. Just like the way She helped me through so many traumatic events and studies.

Competing against time is tiring, seriously oh my goodness. The way "Need you now", a song that was so dear to me became scary and annoying. Gah. Too much of focus used in the preparations for the 1st three days totally drained my energy and zest to keep competing against time, seriously. I do not know how I got through it, and I actually ended up with lotsa blur cases in the last 3 days of exams. Rather amusing when I think back now, idling in my room, but I just couldn't express my anxiety and intense horror during that.

‎"Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me, and when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone, there will be nothing. Only I will remain." totally love this quote by L Lawliet.


One after another problems solved, the last solved in excruciating pain. AHHHHHHHHHH. but another seemingly + supposedly insignificant something somehow striked me. Though convinced that it's something too impossible to even ponder upon from the start, now that it's officially gone, it's kinda hard to swallow. Just like glancing at a $40 million limited edition Prada everytime you walk pass it, you know this is a wild fantasy. The thought subsides as you go to other places, but it strikes back when you come back to the same place, seeing it again. And one day, it's no longer in display. Someone better has bought it and wore it. And she looks magnificently gorgeous in that. A sigh of joy at how the Prada and the owner complement each other. Just gonna get through it.

And so, this is the end of the something that I thought was just beginning. Just like the semester, and many others. And I have the very strong feeling, and wish, that the number of students in Medicine Faculty UKM 2009/2014 will remain as 199 from now on. I'll pray for that. I'd hate to lose anyone along the pursuit of our common dream, which is gradually realising. :)


4 in the morning,
in the most tranquil state of mind.

Too bad, too late

Is it justified to support a person's decision, if the decision benefits the person, but hurts me in between? I just couldn't comprehend why must things be that bad.

OK, and so I supported the decision. To me, more importantly is to deal with how's life gonna be from now on. But to pretend that things had never occured and continue with my revision as usual, that I can't.

That decision might be right, but might be wrong. Now that I've decided, I guess that's to prevent further unhappiness. At least now everything can resolve in peace. We're financially alright, but is this what we really need?

Fine, probably yes. But I'm just here to say, that though things are bad now, I'm happy that you existed in my life before. I'll never grow up to be the same person without you. You taught me many things, though sometimes in brutal ways, brutal for a lil girl I once was. But still, that makes me who I am today.

Probably there're still stuff I'm not ready to do without you. But I know, as I'm walking towards 20 and walking away from carefree 1X era, this is what I must do alone. How I wish there's a shoulder to lean on, but now I doubt its reliability.

I detest the fact of being the only child. And now, this is where my journey and responsibilities begin. Alone.

Growing Up

Ah, the last day of being 18. Should probably have enjoyed myself, get wild on this day, but there're just so many things awaiting. Stacks of notes, miserably. I wouldn't mind if it's stacks of Conan comics awaiting though. =.=

Wish I could go to Neverland like PeterPan. But then again, he needs to give up his parents, the people he loves. So, nothin' comes easy. Guess I'mma crapping here, but it's just something that I feel like shouting out.

Couldn't get why am I so afraid of growing up though. Probably the commitment and responsibility and maturity and courtesy and charisma that it takes to be an adult? Dunno.


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OK, should go back to reality and practise for Clinical Examination tomorrow now. LUCKS!


The-18-year-old-ever-oh-so-young me.

Defying people's choices

Making this short as am running out of time. (ok it's a contradiction coz I won't possibly still be crapping here if am desperately busy) Just to express certain disatisfactions here nicely, knowingly I have limited readers. XD

I need some time of my own, seriously!!! *relieved.* I know I look awkward when it comes to meeting most people just because I've so limited time to spend and have less time for social. Anyway I don't know if it's because I've defied everyone's choice. But I think there's nothing wrong with me making any decisions. I've no such social responsibility to make everyone happy. While most people don't really perform their social responsibility well, I don't see the reason why should I be fearful to defy them, so long as I know it's the right way to go. I just don't care, no matter how poker your faces can be. I got how horrible your faces can be already, don't have to keep reminding me everytime you see me by wearing that skema type of face.

Anyway, it's the last day of sept. Time to wake up. Wish Oct can turn out to be an awesome month for me. *pray* :)

So Yesterday

Am in the midst of covering up asses for the upcoming exams and am still in the mood of blogging. Whoopie. Guess I always have this bad habit, of having ideas popping into my head in the midst of studies. =.=

Have been very addicted to "Need you Now" by Lady Antebellum recently. And I wonder if I ever crossed your mind? For me it happens all the time. Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now.

All these lines were once so true. But all these were just so yesterday. I've gotten over it, and I know it's pointless at this stage reminiscing the perfectly perfect moments when someone would text you, reminding you not to go out of the room all alone in this scary midnight, reminding you that you're still alive in the midst of meeting dead ends for endless reports and work; or someone being so worried because you replied message late just because you went out and had some happy walk in the park, enjoying the breeze with your besties. All these were so yesterday. And I treasure every of these moments, even though you might not remember or even know that you've been so important. And was such a reliable reminder for me. =)

And certain things that I finally comprehend. That there'll always be an invisible gap between any 2 persons of different background. Don't spill everything just because you think you're close enough. Things might turn out to be misinterpreted so badly. It's for the betterment, nonetheless, though was done in a slightly brutal way making me so guilty with the outcome.

Guilt doesn't help. It has made me consider and reconsider, if I'm fit to be here. Or if I'm even favoured to be here. I know it's pointless having such negative thoughts. Should save all the hassles and put into improving myself. But just. Perhaps all these will come to an end soon. It's just a transition period that I just need to bear with and get over it. Don't even think of quitting when I've already clung so tightly to it! :D

Holidays. Even 2 weeks is not enough. Gross. Am going back to reality shortly. Gahh. Should put anxiety into passion where so much surprises awaits and October is coming! Err.. OK. Ya. WILL! :D

Lucks for upcoming exams and events. It's gonna be a blast! Wake me up when September ends.. It marks that October's coming too! ;)

Lil thoughts.

1. Don't trust something too much. Promising guarantees are never absolute.

2. I was never in a position to give any comments, so don't have to apply double standard on me. I just won't go into your way.

3. And so I left. Though I'm reluctant to, and don't have to.

4. Avoiding something doesn't always mean that you hate it. It could also mean you like it, but you just know it isn't right. Well, I knew it.

5. Being avoided doesn't always mean that you're at fault. It could also mean you're being liked and protected in a different way. =)

旻弈大人请振作 orz

真希望自己能够做到五蠹不侵的境界。每次警惕了自己的事、答应了自己要卸下的包袱，始终不能乖乖地将之放下。虽然这种期待是快乐的，但是沉默太久回首反省时，又有种说不出所以然的失落感，笑问一切是否值得时更是自责。放下，真的是一门学问。很多时候都会睹物思人、触景生情，沉溺在以往的欢笑，有时又会一直活在对未来计划的憧憬中，因之忘了把握当下。真是目光浅短，呜呼哀哉！>.<


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