I'm not a faithful blogger and have long since abandoned this sanctuary of my soul. In the past I came here infrequently to shout things out when I thought shouting in Facebook would invite too much attention and possible repercussions but still wanted someone to know what I had in mind nonetheless. And the things usually consisted of some guilty pleasure or frustrations. I kept rehearsing what I'd tell here when I'm finally done with exams and reality during the study week (yes I have the stupid bad habit of having the most irrelevant fun ideas when I'm in for something serious) but when I'm finally off the hook, the huge wave of relief put me at a loss of what to say. I've always wanted to thank all the great people who've played important roles in my adventure book, but I became speechless and didn't know how to say cheesy things without sounding cheesy as I spent my days away like a lotus-eater during my holidays. My broca area slumbers with holidays it seems.
But when I've finally finished reading my novel collection and unwilling to start venturing into heavy genre like the world almanac, I think it's time to do the important memories justice and jot them down before I forget. But more importantly it's because my friends reminded me to do so. They're very supportive friends and some of the very very few readers I have, maybe owing to the exhausting length of entries, or maybe because not many know I write stuff. Anyway, I shall start from the final exam before we got here (here as in gloriously happy holidays).
The Professional Exam
This exam was different from all other exams. This will be the last, I told myself. It has to work. So when the kiasu-ness (fear of losing out to the other people) stirred in me when people started striving for more teachings and more notes from random sources, I decided to look at the exam again from a different perspective. I told myself, this time, it is one integrated exam to make sure you're safe to practise. This time, it's now or never. And if I didn't make it, it just goes to show maybe I'm still not safe enough. So for the future patients' sake, it may be best if I don't make it, too. As laid back as I sound, I wanted this to work in one attempt too. I wanted to be safe. I wanted to be competent. I didn't care how in the pursuit for a noble cause (to be a doctor and thus, helping people in many different levels) some people fell into the pit of becoming more selfish, I had the faith that everyone will make it in the end, and when you look back in the future, everything will seem so unimportant. And now that I'm here, yes, everything seemed so small. Yet all the process, stressful or not, had been one hell of a bitter sweet memory, and I've never regretted any part of it.
Nice people deserves good things, true or false?
While some of the friends did not make it through the exam, I thought, some of them are nice people, what if no one excels and everyone passes? Wouldn't that be nice? And another time I saw foreign workers picking up plenty of rice but accompanied by only little veggies with no meat at all to help them gain enough energy after long hours of labour work, I said to my dad, poor things. But my dad introduced a different perspective. He said it may look little to us, but sometimes the poorest people count their blessings, so who are we to think that they are pitiful? They aren't. They are rich in their way. Same thing goes to those very old people who still work. It may not necessarily be a bad thing if they're happy about it. Of course this doesn't apply to all the people we see, and it certainly doesn't mean we stop helping them when it's really needed. When I relate everything, it tells me different people face different levels of challenges in life, so everyone is the same after all. God has different arrangements for different people, and for everything that happens, there's always a check-and-balance behind, so no point dwelling in worries. And to quote my favourite Muslim quote I've always heard from my friends, there's no challenge beyond our capabilities. True that.
This too, will pass. This quote that I learnt from a model essay in a book years ago has been there to motivate me whenever I'm faced with challenges. And soon enough, exam was over. Which also meant we'll part with friends of 5 years.
Farewell
The friendship this time is very different. This group of friends are the very people you've lived with, went to classes with, who've seen your genuine laughters and tears, and so many more. Although throughout the 5 years I've seen friends come and go with different academic groupings and accommodation placements, I'm blessed with a constant friend to witness every baby step I make, and a few of the baby steps were in fact the result of her encouragement. Along with her, she also brought many important people to me and one of them being my house mate, who'd also played the part of calming my nerves when she isn't around. I love them so much and I'm sorry my house mate will have to continue her journey without us this year. But then again she's a survivor, she will do it while we check on her intermittently. To quote How I Met Your Mother, "Whatever you do in life, it's not legendary unless your friends are there to see it." I can't agree more.
And this farewell would thereby mark the beginning of our possibly nomadic lifestyle so here's to one of the hardest goodbye's. I like how a senior of mine told me to look forward. Take the temporary goodbye as time to develop surprises for the friends. True that. And so the parting was not as tearful as I thought it'd be. Probably because I believe it'll go on.
Reading and over-thinking - what I do best
And so here we are. I've been reading and reading, sometimes pondering on some what-if's, what-would-be's and what I wish for in the future. I read through my past blog entries and found myself writing about finding someone who'd remind me who I really am. The part of me who misses the ancient wisdom of China; the part of me who dreamed of the scene in Romance of the Three Kingdoms from reading it too many times; the part of me who went through dictionary many times, musing on the better word to put into a line of a Mandarin poem. I can't even write well in Mandarin nowadays, until I had to write something for him.
Then recently I was reminded that I actually knew that someone who'll be able to guide me in understanding the lavish things in life. So I've found someone each for the former and the latter; yet the latter would mean I'll have to always look at the extravagant things and pretend I breath rainbows, burp butterflies and fart glitter sprinkles, pardon my language, while the former will leave for good to work abroad soon. Or is it possible to find both abilities in one person? Too much to ask perhaps. Yet to top it all off, both are unrequited, so that's that. In the meantime I shall keep calm, drink some blood and wait for one who'd remind me to stay rooted at all times, yet would bring endless healthy adventures into my life and on top of all things, do all these willingly. I'm a dreamer.
As I exhausted myself over-thinking about some what-if's during the reading, I also came to the realisation that there's no such thing as "though you're happy with the way you are now, you could've been happiER if you...". Just like when Zoe in Sing You Home (Jodi Picoult, 2012) found new way of happiness with Vanessa, I kept thinking if her husband Max had been more of a man, they could've been happier and all these overtaxing lawsuits wouldn't have to happen. Yet when I reached the ending of the book, I realised, yea. No point ruminating on what could make you happier, as long as you are happy now. :)
